When praying about what I should write a blog on, honestly, not much came to mind. Either nothing at all, or every possible topic under the sun. 

So I tried narrowing it down. What am I good at? What do I have experience/knowledge about that may be unique, interesting? Well, my first thought is always Haiti. I was a missionary there for many years, and those years remain tucked inside me in different ways, always sneaking out, always getting a hold of some part of me. You’ll see Haiti pop up in my writing no matter what, because being there were some of the best times of my life, and also some of the worst. There’s a lot of unfelt grief, memories lodged so far away that it’s taken time to excavate them. And even still, sometimes Haiti will so forcefully come back into sight that I’ll have to pull the car over, or excuse myself from a conversation. It could be as simple as a scent that passes by, and I’m transported back to living hidden between mountains, what felt like the edge of the world.

So, there will always be Haiti in my words.

But the next thing I know about, deep within my bones, is single motherhood. I didn’t want to know this life, I really didn’t. I slammed my door in its face, tried my best to keep it away. But in the end, it settled in. I’ve been a single mom for eleven years now. I have gone from hating my son’s father (not because of who he is, but because my heart was broken and shattered), to having a relationship with him and his family that is one of my favorite friendships.

And that’s a new word for our relationship- friends. We started as that, then turned into more, then the anger and destruction came, then years of silence and stretching and really, agony, to ease, to now, comfort. It’s been a ride. I know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, it is because of the grace of God acting in all our lives; me, him, and his wife. It is true metanoia, a full transformation from one way, to another. 

And the path to get here was painful. It wasn’t a walk in the park. Often, it felt like there was no end in sight. And this isn’t to say that our relationship now is perfect, far from it. But no one is perfect, and perfection isn’t what we’re chasing. Rather, we’re trying to be honest, understanding, compassionate, and vulnerable with each other, while maintaining proper boundaries. It’s a dance.

Sometimes that means a text goes unanswered for a few days, and sometimes it’s everyone at my house, their kids chasing after Levi, our son, with water balloons, their squeals echoing throughout the neighborhood. Sometimes there are awkward silences, and other times wine on the blue couches in the living room until 10pm, the kids building somewhere while we talk about school, politics, life. 

The one common denominator that makes it all work: the willingness to move forward. To be open to learning and growing. To be patient. To not assume the worst. And these are all things we’ve done, and can easily fall prey to if we’re not keeping God present in all our dynamics.

It’s taken a lot of respect. For where we’ve all been, and where we’re going. 

So this is what I know. I know the ache of singleness, and then the harsh blade of motherhood without a partner. I know the way it feels to walk this journey, the ins and outs, the ugliness, the messiness. I know the beauty, too. If you, or anyone you know is in a similar situation, stay awhile. 

Even though this isn’t where we wanted to end up, His ways are better. 

His ways are better. So, let’s walk.